Are you an ex?
Do you wish to become an ex?
Look no further. Here is your handy dandy notebook of "EX TRAINING"

How did I come up with this?


For the past few months, I have gotten text messages, e-mails, face-to-face conflict, etc, with exs.

Don't get me wrong, in my humble opinion, exs can be friends.

Too bad these exs all cheated on me, therefore I have no plans of communication, and I pretty much pretend they have evaporated.


One of them who has compelled me to write this.

THE SETTING
It was a normal day with my boyfriend and I. We were making out in my basement, watching TV and talking about everything and nothing. This man I've been seeing for the past 8 months.
I get a text message, while I am sitting next to him, and what do you know? It's an ex.


The EX who I got this from:
I dated him, 4 years ago, for 3 months.
He was in love with another girl, so he cheated on me with a different girl, and then broke up with me before I could find out.

SO. This text message I was not expecting. Not knowing the number, I open it. Why the fuck not, it may be my long lost friend who I actually WANT to talk to.

But no. It is this guy who I haven't seen in years, and talked to in months. The last time we talked, I told him to fuck off.

He texts me and says "Hey, it's ___ from so long ago, can I have 20 bucks and a ride? I need your help!" Or, something along those lines.

Wow, I have the honor to waste my gasoline on you, drive down to where-the-fuck are you, and then on top of that, give you money? Wow, what an opportunity. Thank you so much for stalking me and finding my number so you can bestow this opportunity.

I told him to fuck off.




Somewhere out there, there should be EX TRAINING.
Classes you take after you break up, someone to teach you:

DO NOT GO BACK TO YOUR EX, IT WILL END IN ANOTHER BREAK UP, 99.9999% OF THE TIME
DO NOT TALK TO YOUR EX WHEN YOU'RE STILL UPSET ABOUT THE BREAK UP
DO NOT BE MALICIOUS AND SPREAD RUMORS ABOUT THE PERSON, IT MEANS YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT THEM AND YOU'RE A DICK
DO NOT CALL THEM UP AND TELL THEM YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF
DO NOT TELL THEM ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS; THE DON'T HAVE TO CARE ANYMORE AND PROBABLY DON'T
DO NOT DECLARE YOUR UNDYING LOVE; IT'LL DIE
DO NOT ASK FOR MONEY AND A CAR RIDE AFTER NOT TALKING TO THEM FOR 5 YEARS
DO NOT BEG THEM TO COME BACK TO YOU, IT'S CREEPY
DO NOT SIT OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOW AND PLAY SONGS FOR THEM, THEY WILL CALL THE POLICE
DO NOT CONTACT THEM UNLESS YOU'RE COMPLETELY OVER THEM, AND THEY'RE OVER YOU TOO


Others will come to mind, but do you see what I mean? They could make a WHOLE COURSE about exs and how to stop being insanely creepy. The world would be perfect, and I wouldn't have to block my Facebook page in fear of what they might do if they found out what college I'll be attending.